Jokes thread

thunder58

Super Moderator
Staff member
Dec 23, 2010
26,372
tappan ny
True story .... a text message between me and the wife .......

Marianne : where's Julies birth certificate . I need it for her trip
Me : check the file cabinet under " legal papers "
Marianne : can't find it . You need to look when you get home
Me : ok
Marianne : and why is your marriage certificate from your ex wife in there ( you can now imagine the nastiness behind that statement )
Me : I'm collecting them ( you can now image me giggling like an 8 year old )
 

russmack

Country Gent
May 1, 2017
1,260
ballina australia
True story .... a text message between me and the wife .......

Marianne : where's Julies birth certificate . I need it for her trip
Me : check the file cabinet under " legal papers "
Marianne : can't find it . You need to look when you get home
Me : ok
Marianne : and why is your marriage certificate from your ex wife in there ( you can now imagine the nastiness behind that statement )
Me : I'm collecting them ( you can now image me giggling like an 8 year old )
Dangerous ground Rich.

Russ
 

drmilktruck

I Bleed Orange
May 17, 2009
18,911
Plymouth, MN
John Mulaney is one of my favorite comics:



on-girl-scout-cookies-quotations-photo-u1
on-the-1930s-quotations-photo-u1
on-irish-people-quotations-photo-u1
on-his-skill-set-quotations-photo-u1
 

panhead6zero

Country Gent
Jan 17, 2015
1,112
The Motor City
3 guys trying to enter heaven are going through financial review. The Angel says to the first guy, you accumulated $500,000.00 in assets and had a successful accounting firm.
Angel says to the second guy you earned over a million dollars and saved $300,000.00 for your wife and children, very good.
Angel says to the third guy, you has $7,000.00 in the bank, "What instrument did you play?"......
 

panhead6zero

Country Gent
Jan 17, 2015
1,112
The Motor City
On our way to Mannasass Battlefield to participate in the 150th (2011), anniversary (first battle of the American Civil war), we stopped in Harpers Ferry with our Civil War clothes on. The ACTUAL Temperature was 100F. An old lady says, "Excuse me, Are you hot in those wool clothes?" I tell her, Ma'am, this wool comes from New Zealand Sheep, so right now, I am cooler than you are!" She says, "Are you Kidding?" I reply, "Sorry Ma'am, yes I am!"
 

larryb

Gretschified
Oct 29, 2012
14,315
Greenville, SC
I caught my grandson telling a dad joke. We must pass them down to the future generations!

Last night I dreamt I was a muffler....I woke up exhausted!

The night before that I dreamt I was a teepee and the night before that, I dreamt I was a wigwam. I asked my psychologist what that meant...and she said I was two tents.

I went to my Dr and he told me I had a bladder infection. I asked if it was serious and he said.....you're in trouble
 

LivingMyDream

Friend of Fred
May 4, 2016
6,610
Peculiar, Missouri
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
 

Howard hughes

Synchromatic
Mar 22, 2018
723
London
i made both the worst and stupidest joke up the other night. what do you call an exit entirely made of bread? brexit! also another completely idiotic joke, well not a joke more of an insult. your mum is so fat she is yasser arafat!
 
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